Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Struggle with Infertility

I was deeply moved by a blog post I read today entitled "Living with PCOS: Guarding Our Hearts." Many of my readers know that I have struggled with the disease of PCOS, which has contributed greatly to my struggle with infertility. Consider the following quote from this blog page:

You see, fertility (or rather infertility) is a deeply emotional issue, and it sadly affects most women with PCOS to at least some degree. It touches right to the core of who we are as women, to the dreams we held as little girls, to our desire to have a large family or to have children close in age, as well as to our sense of self-worth, our contentment, our joy, and our trust in God.

All too often, those very legitimate hopes and dreams we hold in our hearts can be given too much free reign, and what starts out as a desire for something very good quickly turns into something ugly. We covet and envy. We resent others. We become angry. We withdraw. We cease trusting God and make a desperate attempt to control those things that we cannot control. We grow disillusioned. We give up hope. We judge others, and ultimately, we charge God with the unfairness of it all.

You might be wondering how the deep desire to have children could be a sin? Didn't God command us to multiply and fill the earth? Is it sinful to desire children more than anything else? Frankly, yes. Satan can grab hold of these deep desires and turn them into idols. I spent many years of my life thinking of almost nothing else than the desire to get pregnant and have a baby. It ruled my emotions, it dominated my prayers, it ruled my thoughts. It was the first thing I thought of in the morning when I took my BBT, and it was the last thing I thought of at night. For years. You see, I was not completely trusting God and giving up my CONTROL to Him and His perfect plan. I was letting this deep desire become an idol in my life. I was seeking joy in the form of a baby rather than the exceeding joy that comes from knowing the Lord.

My grief and discontent was magnified during the times that I became pregnant and miscarried. In my head, I told myself to trust God. My sweet family and friends were such an encouragement to me during these times. However, my heart was another matter. I was dealing with anger and resentment. Why did God allow my 12-yr-old counseling client to get pregnant and not me? Was I being punished? It became difficult for me to go to baby showers and volunteer for the nursery at my church.

God gives women the natural desire to bear children. This is not sinful. It becomes sin when we do not kneel before the cross, casting our burdens upon Him who has done so much for us, trusting in His perfect goodness and love.

I'm not saying that women that struggle with infertility should not investigate and try every possible medical intervention to become pregnant. We certainly did. However, I want to encourage you to guard your heart. Come to the cross and keep your priorities in order.

Despite my sin, God chose to give us the precious gift of our daughter, Grace Elizabeth. We are exceedingly thankful for His gift, and have taken the responsibility seriously to raise her in the Lord. For me, it took a hysterectomy to make me realize what an idol my infertility had become. Today we have a sense of peace about the way things have turned out. If I could have written my own destiny, we would have a happy house full of children. How thankful I am that I have a much bigger and wiser God to trust for my destiny. I wouldn't have it any other way.


Larry said...

Wow, what a great post. God has not only given you Grace, but grace, and wisdom.

Mimi said...

I agree, this is a wonderful post. I am so thankful God has taught you such wisdom. As you well know, such wisdom comes most clearly taught through difficulty. What a gracious God we serve.

joyrnc said...

You astound me with how God has done such a work in your heart and so quickly. Don't let the evil one distract you otherwise.