Being An Only Child

Disclaimer:  This post is not meant to be judgmental towards families who have only one child.  There are a host of reasons why some couples either choose or find themselves in the position of raising an only child…many are happy and healthy families!  These are just my rambling thoughts on the subject…

Grace is an only child.  I have finally made peace that my childbearing years are behind me, although I’m sure Todd and I will always grieve the fact that we cannot bear more children.  On our journey, we have found that there are several parenting challenges that seem to be magnified by the fact that Grace has no siblings.

Many people who grew up as the only child will tell you that there are lots of benefits…more individual time and attention from parents, feeling special, not having to share possessions, more financial freedom for the family to do special things, etc.  

However, there are lots of drawbacks as well.  These became more apparent to me over the last week.  Here’s a few that come to mind:

1. Less opportunity for the parents to teach empathy for others.  Let’s face it.  When you are an only child, it’s all about you.  You don’t have to share a bedroom, a bathroom, or a playroom.  You get all of your parent’s attention, and while at times this can be good, it can also lead to an unhealthy feeling of entitlement.  When there are siblings, there are tons of opportunities for parents to reinforce loving others, caring for others, problem-solving skills, and sharing. 
2. Loneliness.  As I’ve talked with others (including my husband) who were only children, this has been the most-mentioned challenge.  I can (somewhat) relate since I grew up with brothers who were not interested in Barbie dolls or Easy-Bake ovens.  I always dreamed of a sister that would share my same interests.  When I’m busy, Grace is lonely and is forced to learn how to entertain herself.  (I guess that’s not entirely bad…)
3. Less developed social skills.  This is not true for all only children, but it is true for Grace.  Less interaction with children has been one of the factors in her insecurity/fear when she is placed in situations where there are lots of other kids (Sunday School, parks, mall playgrounds, parties, etc.).  We are trying to counter this by getting her around others as much as possible through church activities, play dates, and outings.
4. Less independence.  Since Grace is the only child, I’m much quicker to swoop in and solve her problems than I would be if I were balancing my attention among other children.  I am purposefully mindful of letting her struggle and figure things out for herself at times, but my tendency is to come to the rescue.  That’s not always a good thing.  A little struggle is good, so I know that I need to let her try, fail, and learn on her own in order to gain some independence. 
5. Caring for aging/dying parents.  I can’t help but feel bad that Grace is going to have to choose a nursing home all by herself.  She won’t have a sibling to share the burden of dealing with my impending senility!

There are other issues, but this post is long enough already.  I guess I’ve just been thinking about it more lately because we’ve been in situations where I’ve witnessed more of the above traits in Grace.  And it just gets me to thinking, which is always dangerous. 

I certainly don’t want to seem ungrateful for having only one child.  The good Lord knows how thankful we are after so many years of praying for a baby!  But there are certain challenges that are unique to raising just one child, and I think it’s important to recognize them and deal with them honestly.

Bloggy Love

My blog friend Kim is featuring me this week in her Friday Favorites carnival!  Click on over and see!  While you’re there, I hope you’ll have time to look around and read some of her posts.  Her journey through infertility is a hard one, and she’s tackling the issues head-on and with a heart focused on God.  She’s one of the sweet souls that I pray God will soon bless with a little one!

Mother’s Day

I have very mixed feelings about the Mother’s Day holiday. 

On one hand, I am EXCEEDINGLY THANKFUL to celebrate my special mom.  I do not take lightly the gift of having her be such a constant part of my life.  Even though we live several hours away from each other, rarely does a day go by that we don’t talk on the phone.  I am truly blessed to have her friendship, wisdom, and guidance in my life.  She has always given me biblical counsel and unconditional love.  She is a strong woman that has fought and survived breast cancer.  She has a servant’s heart that is always willing to drop everything and take care of her family members…even if it means jumping on an airplane to help me and my other two sisters-in-law through pregnancy, bed rest, surgeries, deliveries, joys, sorrows, etc.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.

I am also EXCEEDINGLY THANKFUL to celebrate Mother’s Day as a mom.  From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of having children of my own.  I prayed to become a mom for many, many years.  Motherhood has brought me so much joy, and I have welcomed all the changes and experiences that come with being a parent.  I am so blessed to have my little Grace Elizabeth.  She is truly a miracle child, an undeserved gift from God!

Which brings me to my first reservation about this holiday.  I remember all the years when I so desperately wanted to become a mom but it just wasn’t happening.  For infertile women, Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the year.  And now when I celebrate Mother’s Day, I can’t help but have a deep empathy for the feelings that other women are experiencing who are infertile, or still single and dreaming of a family.  It’s just hard.  Even when you have a strong faith and trust in God’s plan, the battle against falling into a depression remains.  On past Mother’s Days, I can remember sitting in our church’s choir loft and looking around at all the women sitting in our congregation wearing beautiful corsages.  It seemed that everyone was a mom except me.  Every time some well-meaning church member would wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, assuming that I was a parent, I would smile and reply “thank you” while the knife twisted a little deeper. 

Some of my friends also have a complicated relationship with their mother that causes much stress on this holiday.  The commercialism of our society places expectations on families to make a big deal out of days like Mother’s Day.  When there are underlying problems in the mother/child relationship, this holiday can augment those issues.  I suppose the argument could be made that Mother’s Day is an opportunity to resolve issues and make peace, but let’s be honest…when the relationship is broken, much more is needed than what can be gained by a bouquet of flowers and a Hallmark card.

I also have several friends who are celebrating Mother’s Day after losing their moms in recent years.  This day will provide a difficult mix of joy, thankfulness, and grief.

Honestly, if it was up to me, I would do away with the whole holiday.   I want to celebrate my own mother by loving and honoring her every day of the year.  I celebrate the amazing gift of becoming a mother myself every time Grace kisses me on the cheek, says “I love you”, or gives me a sweet smile.  I’ve even learned to celebrate and give thanks when she’s being difficult, remembering that this is what I prayed for!  And I’d like to avoid augmenting the pain of all the special circumstances that make Mother’s Day hard for so many people. 

But, with all that being said, I want to wish everyone a Happy Mother’s Day!  I pray that, regardless of your situation, it will be a day to give thanks, trust the Lord, and give any burdens to the One who can carry them (and us!).    

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”  (Jeremiah 29:11-12)

Don’t Make Me Count To Three! – Appendix A, B, and C

Wow!  I can’t believe this book study is at an end!  However, my journey through the hills, valleys, and curves of parenting will continue.  It’s been good for me to take a nosedive into this book and work to write my weekly reviews.  I appreciate you tagging along while I’ve been working some things out in my heart.  I hope this has been beneficial to you as well.

Appendix A

I am glad that Ginger included a clear explanation of how to become a Christian.  After all, living as a Christian and obeying God’s commands is the foundation for this entire book.  Perhaps someone picked this book off the Barnes & Noble shelf because of the catchy title, but they have never truly learned what it means to follow God.  It is also helpful to use her simple language when talking to our children about becoming a Christian.

Appendix B

This appendix spoke to my heart.  I have often witnessed children “walking the aisle” and being baptized, but not truly having the understanding (or sometimes desire) to live and grow in the faith.  Giving our children a false assurance of salvation simply because they prayed a prayer or made a commitment at youth camp can be a huge stumbling block.  The best way for our children to understand what it means to live as a Christian is to give them an example in the way we live our life.  Spending time in the Word, praying, repenting and asking forgiveness when we sin against our children, and striving to please God are the best ways for us to demonstrate God’s plan of salvation to our children.  What a huge responsibility!  Like Ginger, I would encourage parents to be thankful and encouraging when children make a profession of faith, but not be so quick to baptize and join the church until there is evidence of a desire to please God in their life. 

Appendix C

My favorite part of this appendix was the section called “What Should We Pray?” on pg. 148-150.  I made a copy of this and I am going to keep it on my bedside table as a constant reminder of all the ways I want to pray for our daughter.  All 15 prayer requests that Ginger listed are things that I want to be answered for our daughter, Grace.  According to her unique personality, the ones that stand out to me are:

• #1 – Pray that our children would come to salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.
• #4 – Pray that the Lord would implant into their hearts a hunger and thirst for Him.
• #10 – Pray that they would use their gifts and talents to honor the Lord.
• #11 – Pray that they would have freedom from fear as they trust in the Lord.
• #13 – Pray that the Lord would bring godly mates into their lives.

The only thing I would add is to make sure that I am praising God and giving thanks for the privilege of raising her.  There were many years that I thought we would never be able to have a child, and I just can’t stop being grateful for becoming a mom, even though at times I feel wholly inadequate.  I know that I will never be a perfect parent because I have a sinful nature, but my desire is to raise her as faithfully as possible, showing appreciation for my answered prayer.

Thanks again for riding along on this journey through the book and reading my ramblings!  I’d love to hear feedback about your experiences or thoughts after finishing the book.  I’ve enjoyed reading the comments and e-mails that I’ve received over the past weeks.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone when facing all those tough parenting issues!  Many blessings to you along the journey!

Prayer Request

Over the weekend, a couple that is very dear to my heart suffered a miscarriage.  I know that they would appreciate your prayers as they prepare themselves for the emotional D & C procedure this morning. 

I have often struggled with wondering why God chooses to give children to unwed mothers and parents who don’t take the responsibility seriously while other couples who pray desperately and truly want to raise a child in the Lord struggle to conceive and/or miscarry.  There is an easy answer to this question, but it’s not easy to understand and accept. 

God is good.  He is sovereign and in control of all nature.  He knit that tiny baby together in the womb (see Psalm 139:13) and one day the baby’s parents will rejoice to meet their child in heaven (see 2 Samuel 12:23). 

I pray for comfort and peace in this sweet couple’s hearts as they mourn this tremendous loss.

New Perspective

I read a powerful post today about what life is like for a 30-something single Christian woman. I'll admit that it stunned me. I have single Christian friends, but none so close that they share their struggles and loneliness with me. Perhaps it is difficult for older singles to feel like a married person understands their challenges.

From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of marrying and becoming a mom. The author of the blog post has always had similar dreams. In God's infinite mercy, He has chosen to give me both desires of my heart. Becoming a mom has been a longer, harder road with lots of potholes and speed bumps. However, I have never stopped to think what it must be like for a single woman who has always had the same hopes and dreams. Not only is their dream of children not realized, but they do not have a spouse to share the burden.

I always thought that infertility and miscarriage was the hardest burden for a woman to bear. Perhaps I am wrong. The author of this post doesn't want to be pitied, but she does want people to be aware of the struggles that are specific to singleness. Some are happy being single, and some (like the author) long for husbands and children of their own. She has encouraged me to reach out and pray for my single friends and the specific challenges they may face.

Struggle with Infertility

I was deeply moved by a blog post I read today entitled "Living with PCOS: Guarding Our Hearts." Many of my readers know that I have struggled with the disease of PCOS, which has contributed greatly to my struggle with infertility. Consider the following quote from this blog page:

You see, fertility (or rather infertility) is a deeply emotional issue, and it sadly affects most women with PCOS to at least some degree. It touches right to the core of who we are as women, to the dreams we held as little girls, to our desire to have a large family or to have children close in age, as well as to our sense of self-worth, our contentment, our joy, and our trust in God.

All too often, those very legitimate hopes and dreams we hold in our hearts can be given too much free reign, and what starts out as a desire for something very good quickly turns into something ugly. We covet and envy. We resent others. We become angry. We withdraw. We cease trusting God and make a desperate attempt to control those things that we cannot control. We grow disillusioned. We give up hope. We judge others, and ultimately, we charge God with the unfairness of it all.

You might be wondering how the deep desire to have children could be a sin? Didn't God command us to multiply and fill the earth? Is it sinful to desire children more than anything else? Frankly, yes. Satan can grab hold of these deep desires and turn them into idols. I spent many years of my life thinking of almost nothing else than the desire to get pregnant and have a baby. It ruled my emotions, it dominated my prayers, it ruled my thoughts. It was the first thing I thought of in the morning when I took my BBT, and it was the last thing I thought of at night. For years. You see, I was not completely trusting God and giving up my CONTROL to Him and His perfect plan. I was letting this deep desire become an idol in my life. I was seeking joy in the form of a baby rather than the exceeding joy that comes from knowing the Lord.

My grief and discontent was magnified during the times that I became pregnant and miscarried. In my head, I told myself to trust God. My sweet family and friends were such an encouragement to me during these times. However, my heart was another matter. I was dealing with anger and resentment. Why did God allow my 12-yr-old counseling client to get pregnant and not me? Was I being punished? It became difficult for me to go to baby showers and volunteer for the nursery at my church.

God gives women the natural desire to bear children. This is not sinful. It becomes sin when we do not kneel before the cross, casting our burdens upon Him who has done so much for us, trusting in His perfect goodness and love.

I'm not saying that women that struggle with infertility should not investigate and try every possible medical intervention to become pregnant. We certainly did. However, I want to encourage you to guard your heart. Come to the cross and keep your priorities in order.

Despite my sin, God chose to give us the precious gift of our daughter, Grace Elizabeth. We are exceedingly thankful for His gift, and have taken the responsibility seriously to raise her in the Lord. For me, it took a hysterectomy to make me realize what an idol my infertility had become. Today we have a sense of peace about the way things have turned out. If I could have written my own destiny, we would have a happy house full of children. How thankful I am that I have a much bigger and wiser God to trust for my destiny. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Health

I wasn't planning on writing about this subject because I generally don't like to talk about personal issues, but this is such a big part of my life right now that I think it warrants a post.

I am having a hysterectomy this week. We have come to this decision after much research, consultation, and prayer. This decision was not made lightly, because we are very disappointed about closing the door on future biological children. What gives us comfort is to know that God is in control of even this, and He has blessed us so much by giving us the joy of having our daughter Grace. Perhaps down the road He will enable us to give a home to another child that we can adopt.

I'm not really nervous about the procedure because I have a wonderful doctor that I completely trust. Thankfully, my parents will be here to help us care for Grace during my time of recovery. There are so many family members and friends praying for us right now that we truly do feel a peace about the whole situation.

So why did I start crying when I registered at the hospital this morning? I think the finality of it all became very real when I signed the permission form for surgery. I feel like I am mourning a loss....though not tangible....it's the loss of the possibility of bearing another child. The nurse was very kind and told me it was normal to be emotional about this surgery, especially at my age.

Despite my sadness, I am looking forward to the improvement in health that this will bring. The bible teaches that all things work together for our good, and I am trusting in this promise. And, I am thankful for the wonderful support system of family, friends, and church members that have been such an encouragement to me.