21 Rules of This House – Rule #2

If you are recently joining me on this series, here’s a link to all 21 Rules.  And here are my thoughts on Rule #1. 

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Rule #2 – We love, honor, and pray for one another.

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This one is huge.  Basically, the first two rules are the foundation of all that follows.  We love God (Rule #1), and we love others (Rule #2). 

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”  Luke 10:27

I guess the first thing to point out is that Rule #2 is about others.  Not ourselves.  It’s a hard concept to explain in our self-obsessed society.  Instead of worrying about what others do or don’t do to make us “happy”, we should strive to put others first by looking for ways to serve each other. 

Can you imagine what a home would be like where every family member looked for ways to show love and serve?  Where we always showed respect and consideration, and prayed faithfully for each other? 

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.  James 5:16

Webster’s Dictionary defines honor as:  “to regard or treat someone with admiration and respect.”  From a young age, we should be teaching our children to treat family members in this way.  Not just parents and other adults…but siblings as well. 

We should strive to make our home a haven from the world…a place where we speak kindly to each other, consider each other’s needs, and look for ways to show love.  What a wonderful legacy to leave our children!

Here are some practical suggestions for how to implement Rule #2:

• Insist that everyone (including parents) speak to each other kindly and respectfully.
• Nix the sarcasm.  Especially the kind that is belittles others.  (I’m surprised lightening didn’t strike when I typed this…I need to work on it.)
• Share prayer requests with each other during family devotionals and/or mealtimes.  Pray together.  Consider helping your kids keep a prayer journal.
• Recognize and reinforce kindness.
• When we sin against each other, apologize and show forgiveness.
• Don’t hold grudges. (Second lightening strike.)
• This one is OH SO IMPORTANT, and it’s for parents:  Don’t discipline in anger.  Discipline in love.  Anger and indignation have no place in a discipline situation.  Take a minute…pray…then come back and handle things calmly. 
• Make a game out of doing kind things for each other.  Secretly do something nice, then have fun guessing who did what!
• And, finally…express your love to each other.  For some people this is easy.  For some people it’s very difficult.  The bottom line is we need to hear the words “I love you.”  Children, especially, need to hear these words from their parents.  Just because you say it a lot doesn’t make it mean any less!

As always, I welcome your thoughts on this post!  The first two rules are pretty heavy.  Really, if we truly understood and obeyed the first two rules, there would be no need for Rules #3-21!

21 Rules of This House – Rule #1

Thanks for all the feedback via my blog, Facebook, and e-mail.  It looks like a lot of you share my interest in Gregg Harris’s 21 Rules of This House!  My husband already publically committed to work on following #14-19, bless his heart.  He’s not the only one…I struggle as well.  My prayer is that by working through these rules, we will be on the road to a happier and more peaceful home!

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Rule #1 – We obey God.

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I love that the first rule is the foundation on which the other 20 rules are written, as well as the foundation of the first four 10 Commandments.  In order to obey God, we must acknowledge God as our creator.  He made us and is the author of our life. 

“You are worthy, O Lord, To receive glory and honor and power; For you created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.” Rev. 4:11

In His great mercy, He takes care of us.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” I Peter 5:6

This doesn’t mean that we only love and obey God when things are going our way.  God does not promise that our lives will be free of trials!  This is what He promises:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

How can we NOT want to love and obey God when He gives us the gift of eternal life?  Even though we don’t deserve it!  The hardships of this life are but a moment in the expanse of eternity.  {Lord, help me remember this.}

Because of these truths, we should have a heart that seeks to understand God and obey Him more every day.  It’s a whole new way of thinking!  Everything we do, say…how we act, speak…what we spend our time doing…how we spend our money…our WHOLE LIVES should be lived in a way that seeks to obey God simply because we love Him and are thankful for the gift of eternal life. 

When we shift our way of living from how to please ourselves to how to please God, it gives us great freedom AND happiness!  Instead of being slaves to our own sinful desires, we can finally love others, forgive others, experience contentment, and have true joy in Christ.  It is the journey of the Christian life…and it always ends with the joy of eternal life with Christ.

Practically speaking, here are some ideas of how we can implement this rule in the home:

• Read the Bible.  Read the teachings of Jesus, read Proverbs, do a word study on the word “obey.”  There are some great examples in the Old Testament of kings of Israel who did not obey God…and the destruction that followed.  Conversely, there were kings who did obey God…and were blessed.
• Have a regular time of family devotions.  What better way for our kids to learn how to love and obey God?  When we spend time outside of church studying Scripture, it communicates to our kids how important God’s truths are! 
• Think before we speak/act. (“What does God teach about this?  How would God have me respond?”)
• Make obeying God part of our conversation.  Talk out loud with our kids about different choices and which choices are obedient to God.
• Post these things around the house:  10 Commandments, verses that talk about obeying God (Acts 5:29, Rom. 6:17, Heb. 5:9, etc.), 21 Rules of This House.

Thanks for following along.  I would LOVE to hear from you!  Perhaps you have comments, questions, or additional ideas about how to implement this rule in your home.  I welcome all feedback!

21 Rules of This House

A while back, I attended a small group fellowship for young families in my dad’s church.  My dad, as pastor, was working through Gregg Harris’s 21 Rules of This House.  I was struck by the wisdom and simplicity of the rules.  They just make sense.  This list was posted on the refrigerator when I was a kid, and the lessons have stuck in many ways.  I’d like them to stick in more ways!

I decided at that time to work through the rules on my blog.  I want to do this to expose people that might not otherwise have seen them, but also to work through them for my own family’s benefit!  All comments and feedback are welcomed from anyone who wants to follow along with me!

Of course, it’s important to remember that the ultimate rules for living come from the 10 Commandments and the teachings of Jesus Christ, but these 21 simple rules are a practical application of how we are taught to live in Scripture. 

What I would like to do is take one rule per week and just give my thoughts on how to apply it to the home.  I want to correlate it with the 10 Commandments and other verses in the Bible.  I want to share how Todd and I plan to teach the rule in our home.

Without further ado….here are the 21 Rules of This House!

1. We obey God.
2. We love, honor and pray for one another.
3. We tell the truth.
4. We consider one another's interests ahead of our own.
5. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another.
6. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or deeds.
7. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love.
8. When someone is sorry, we forgive him.
9. When someone is sad, we comfort him.
10. When someone is happy, we rejoice with him.
11. When we have something nice to share, we share it.
12. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
13. We take good care of everything that God has given us.
14. We do not create unnecessary work for others.
15. When we open something, we close it.
16. When we take something out, we put it away.
17. When we turn something on, we turn it off.
18. When we make a mess, we clean it up.
19. When we do not know what to do, we ask.
20. When we go out, we act just as if we were in this house.
21. When we disobey or forget any of the 21 Rules of This House, we accept
the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Don’t Make Me Count To Three! – Appendix A, B, and C

Wow!  I can’t believe this book study is at an end!  However, my journey through the hills, valleys, and curves of parenting will continue.  It’s been good for me to take a nosedive into this book and work to write my weekly reviews.  I appreciate you tagging along while I’ve been working some things out in my heart.  I hope this has been beneficial to you as well.

Appendix A

I am glad that Ginger included a clear explanation of how to become a Christian.  After all, living as a Christian and obeying God’s commands is the foundation for this entire book.  Perhaps someone picked this book off the Barnes & Noble shelf because of the catchy title, but they have never truly learned what it means to follow God.  It is also helpful to use her simple language when talking to our children about becoming a Christian.

Appendix B

This appendix spoke to my heart.  I have often witnessed children “walking the aisle” and being baptized, but not truly having the understanding (or sometimes desire) to live and grow in the faith.  Giving our children a false assurance of salvation simply because they prayed a prayer or made a commitment at youth camp can be a huge stumbling block.  The best way for our children to understand what it means to live as a Christian is to give them an example in the way we live our life.  Spending time in the Word, praying, repenting and asking forgiveness when we sin against our children, and striving to please God are the best ways for us to demonstrate God’s plan of salvation to our children.  What a huge responsibility!  Like Ginger, I would encourage parents to be thankful and encouraging when children make a profession of faith, but not be so quick to baptize and join the church until there is evidence of a desire to please God in their life. 

Appendix C

My favorite part of this appendix was the section called “What Should We Pray?” on pg. 148-150.  I made a copy of this and I am going to keep it on my bedside table as a constant reminder of all the ways I want to pray for our daughter.  All 15 prayer requests that Ginger listed are things that I want to be answered for our daughter, Grace.  According to her unique personality, the ones that stand out to me are:

• #1 – Pray that our children would come to salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.
• #4 – Pray that the Lord would implant into their hearts a hunger and thirst for Him.
• #10 – Pray that they would use their gifts and talents to honor the Lord.
• #11 – Pray that they would have freedom from fear as they trust in the Lord.
• #13 – Pray that the Lord would bring godly mates into their lives.

The only thing I would add is to make sure that I am praising God and giving thanks for the privilege of raising her.  There were many years that I thought we would never be able to have a child, and I just can’t stop being grateful for becoming a mom, even though at times I feel wholly inadequate.  I know that I will never be a perfect parent because I have a sinful nature, but my desire is to raise her as faithfully as possible, showing appreciation for my answered prayer.

Thanks again for riding along on this journey through the book and reading my ramblings!  I’d love to hear feedback about your experiences or thoughts after finishing the book.  I’ve enjoyed reading the comments and e-mails that I’ve received over the past weeks.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone when facing all those tough parenting issues!  Many blessings to you along the journey!

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 12

Welcome to the last chapter of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s “Don’t Make Me Count To Three!”   Reading this book has been very beneficial to me, and I hope that you feel it has been a good use of your time as well.

I liked that Ginger included a few occasions that would not merit discipline.  I had to check myself the other day for almost spanking Grace for childish behavior.  She was in the tub and playing with a few bath toys.  She put a big cup on the side of the tub and proceeded to fill it to the top with water before accidentally knocking it over the side and spilling it all over the floor.  I’ll admit that it really irritated me, and I had an urge to discipline her for “making a mess.”  And then I realized that the urge to discipline her was about ME not wanting to clean it up…not about her disobeying me in some way.  So I took a deep breath and explained that she could pour water in her cup on the other side of the tub where it wouldn’t spill on the floor.  She played with it how I suggested, then she helped me wipe up the mess on the floor.  Now that I’ve laid the groundwork, if she does it again, that would be a cause for discipline.  Sometimes I just have to keep reminding myself that she’s only four years old and doesn’t have the same logic or fore-thinking as a grown-up!

And, although Ginger has covered this in previous chapters, she mentioned again that a parent should never discipline in anger.  It’s such an important message to share.  And, let’s face it, we’ve all done it!  It’s an easy trap to fall into that can have disastrous effects on our children. 

The guidelines for administering discipline were very helpful to me.  It has aided me in coming up with my own “game plan” for every time I must discipline.  And really, if I don’t complete my game plan, my job has not been done well.  Sometimes when I’m in a hurry, I’m tempted to leave out things like talking through and practicing what she could have done instead or praying to God and asking forgiveness.  Being complete and consistent regardless of my mood or busyness is a priority.

I thought that the idea of telling the child how many swats he/she will receive was a really good way to check the parent’s self-control along with preparing the child to accept the consequence.  I’ve started doing this with Grace, and I’ve found that it brings a calmness and acceptance to her heart. 

In closing, I was also glad that Ginger comforted any person who might be reading the book and realizing that they’ve “done it all wrong” so far with their children.  While it can often feel like an uphill battle, it is never too late to submit to biblical principles when raising kids.  Like Ginger’s testimony, God can use it for good!

Next week I will write my final post about the Appendix A, B, and C.  I want to thank you for reading my ramblings, and I hope that you will be encouraged in your parenting!  Although much of this book has shown me just how imperfect I am, I have taken great comfort in submitting to God’s plan and watching where it takes me on the great journey of parenting.  It’s the hardest, scariest, most confusing, and most rewarding job I’ve ever had!

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 11

Welcome to the eleventh week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s “Don’t Make Me Count To Three!”   If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

This was an excellent chapter that reminded me of my job to set the standard for obedience.  I believe that most children, with consistency, will rise to the standard that is set by the authority figure.  This is true for most students in my experience in the educational setting, and it is the same with our personal parenting.  If we allow our children to talk back, throw fits, and disobey without consistent and loving discipline, then that is the standard that we have set as parents.  If, however, we consistently apply biblical parenting strategies and do not tolerate foolish behavior, we are setting a higher standard which prepares their little hearts to eventually (Lord willing) submit to our Heavenly Father.

Once again, this concept is based on ME and MY OBEDIENCE to God’s commands.  It is quite humbling and forces me to look at my own issues and attitudes.  The first time I read this book, I expected it to be a practical, easy-to-follow, step-by-step instruction manual for biblical parenting.  In a small sense it is, because Ginger has given us many wonderful strategies to use in specific discipline situations.  However, much of my journey to become a better parent has been spent in self-examination of my own heart issues.  And that’s not always a comfortable place to be.  How beautiful and ironic it is to realize that in order to teach obedience to our children, WE must be obedient to train them diligently! 

I appreciate Ginger’s definition of complete obedience…all the way, right away, and with a happy heart.  Expecting our children to obey all the way and right away are logical and reasonable.  But obeying with a happy heart?  That is much more difficult!  I think back on all the times I disciplined Grace to obey me, but I allowed her to obey while pouting or crying.  I have now started to focus more on pleasing God with her obedience.  When she obeys without fussing, I say something like, “Thank you for obeying sweetly.  That makes God very happy.”  Then, when she does complain, we can examine her attitude and I can teach her that we obey with both our bodies and our hearts. 

This is a very difficult concept to accept because it goes against everything the world teaches us, but having a happy heart is a choice, not an emotion.  True happiness is not a result of our circumstances, it is a result of our contentment in God’s will.  It is a result of trusting God through the tough times of life and rejoicing in God’s gift of salvation.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t ever feel angry or grieved or lonely…it means we are not a slave to those feelings.  Teaching our daughter to obey with a happy heart is the first step in teaching her to live her whole life with contentment in the Lord.

There are two weeks left in this book study, and I hope that it has been as beneficial for you as it has been for me.  I feel like I have stumbled and fallen many times on my journey as a parent, but by God’s grace I am learning what I need to do.  I’d love to hear about your struggles and/or successes along your own journey!

Don’t Make Me Count To Three! – Ch. 10

Welcome to the tenth week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s “Don’t Make Me Count To Three!”   If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

This chapter was a more in-depth explanation of why the rod is necessary in training children.  I am so thankful that God makes it clear in Scripture. 

“The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”  Proverbs 29:15

My favorite quote from this chapter is found on pg. 108:

“To heed God’s commands in using the rod is to fully rely upon His wisdom and to faithfully trust in His counsel.”

I totally sympathize with the worldly argument about not wanting to spank our children because we “love them too much.”  Spanking is not fun and it is not easy.  I don’t enjoy inflicting pain on my daughter.  However, once again, I must examine myself and realize that those feelings are selfish.  If I REALLY want to do what is best for my child, I will obey God’s plan and trust His wisdom.  To leave my daughter to her own desires will only hurt her more in the long run. 

Ginger brought up a good point about when to start disciplining.  Children are capable of learning to obey at a very young age, well before the age of one.  The first spanking that I gave Grace was on the diaper change table when she was a few months old.  (She wouldn’t be still for me to change her diaper).  When you start requiring obedience from the very beginning, they will be more likely to grow with a spirit of submission.  Otherwise, if a parent chooses to wait to discipline until the child turns 2 or 3, it will be an uphill battle because the child will have gotten used to behaving how they please. 

I chuckled a little when Ginger was talking about hereditary sin.  How many times have we heard something like, “Well that’s just the way she is.  She’s just as stubborn as me.  She can’t help it.”  It’s true that our children are going to pick up and imitate our own sin (scary!).  However, that is no excuse.  It just means we need to be faithful and consistent to teach our children self-control over whatever is their issue (anger, whining, lying, bossiness, etc.).  And, we need to show them our repentance when we demonstrate the same sin about which we are trying to teach them self-control.

I’m going to add one more reason I often hear as an explanation of why spanking doesn’t work:  “When you hit (or spank) a child for disobeying, it teaches them to handle conflict with violence.”  My response to this would be that it’s true, IF the parent spanked out of anger with the wrong motives.  God’s plan for spanking is not an act of violence.  When done with a spirit of love and self-control, spanking simply teaches that there are consequences for disobedience.  It helps prepare their heart for submission to God’s Word.

I gained the most from this chapter on pg. 113.  My biggest challenge is to be consistent.  Sometimes I’m in the middle of cooking dinner, or getting ready to walk out the door, or shopping at Wal-Mart, or just plain tired.  Those are the times that it is hardest for me to stop what I’m doing and deal with a discipline issue.  However, when I respond to disobedience sometimes and not other times, it is not fair to our child. 

“What’s cruel is for their discipline to be based on the mood, energy level, or whim of the parent…..A secure child is a child that knows his boundaries and is consistently corrected when he oversteps them.”

Ultimately, I want our child to feel secure.  Secure in what will happen if she chooses to disobey.  Secure in our love for her.  Secure in God’s love for her. 

There are only three weeks left in our book study…two chapters, and then I will spend one more week on Appendix A, B, and C.  Thanks for reading along, and I’d love to hear from you in the comments this week!

Don’t Make Me Count to Three – Ch. 9

Welcome to the ninth week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s “Don’t Make Me Count To Three!”   If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

As I was reading this chapter, I found myself wanting to highlight almost every sentence.  I appreciate that there are eleven direct scripture references to back up all of her main points.  Over the years, I have found myself needing to explain and defend my belief in biblical discipline, including spanking with a rod.  I have never articulated and defended my position as well as Ginger does, however.  Other than the direct scripture references, my favorite quote from this chapter was on pg. 99-100.  When speaking of parents who say that “spanking doesn’t work”, Ginger replies,

“…in most of these cases, the parents had embraced a worldly form of spanking rather than a biblical form of chastisement.  They had used the rod without reproof.  They had punished the wrong without explaining the right, and most often they had punished in anger and with a wrong motive.”

How true!  I honestly believe that spanking done incorrectly is often worse than doing nothing at all.  Unfortunately, that type of unbiblical spanking is portrayed 99% of the time when “professionals” argue against it.  Ginger certainly didn’t mince words when she stated that to reject biblical spanking is to reject God’s Word and claim that we are wiser than God Himself.  How thankful I am that God has made His ordained plan for discipline so wise, so loving, and so clear when we search the Scriptures.

I also appreciate that Ginger spoke of traditional, worldly methods of training children.  At some point or another, I have done all of those things!  Sometimes they work for the moment, but it is not a lasting change.  When the focus is anything other than teaching and training the heart, true obedience will not take place. 

My pet peeve is #5:  Reasoning with the child.  Oh, boy.  I just can’t stand it when I hear parents trying to plead, explain, and manipulate their children into obeying.  I just want to exclaim, “Who’s the parent here???!!”  God has put us in a position of authority over our children, just like God is our Heavenly Father.  We should expect obedience, then follow through with reproof and the rod if they choose to not obey.  I think that too many parents are trying to be their child’s “best friend.”  Ironically, parents who administer biblical discipline usually have a closer and more loving relationship with their child than the parent who is always reasoning and trying to be a friend.

In closing, Ginger has given me another way to check myself after discipline.  Did it end on a positive note?  If either one of us is struggling with remaining anger or frustration at the end of discipline, perhaps I should re-evaluate my own heart and make sure that I am applying discipline correctly with good motives.  At the end, our children should feel assured that we love them enough to teach them obedience.

While much of the material in this chapter is highly debated in both the Christian and secular communities, my confidence rests in the wisdom that is revealed in Scripture.  The challenge for me is to stay consistent and ever-mindful of what I KNOW I should do!  I’ve appreciated reading your comments and e-mails over the last few weeks…it’s encouraging to know that other moms are struggling the same as me, yet also seeing the fruits of submitting to God’s plan in their children.  I’m dying to know what you thought about this week’s chapter!

 

 

Don’t Make Me Count To Three! – Ch. 8

Welcome to the eighth week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!   If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

This chapter dealt with verbal correction during discipline.  I love that Ginger began by challenging us to look at our own motives when administering discipline.  At some time or another, I believe that every mother has used angry words towards her children when she is embarrassed or inconvenienced by sinful behavior.  I am sad to say that I certainly have.  At times like that I am called to repent and ask forgiveness for responding in the wrong way.  The most impactful quote for me from this chapter was on pg. 86:

“If our motive is sinful, we will give reproof in a sinful way and our children will view it as a personal attack or an act of vengeance.  This may result in them becoming angry rather than repentant.”

Out of all the “angry” children I have worked with over the years as a teacher and a school counselor, I can assure you that behind every angry child, there is an angry caregiver.  One of two things usually happens…these same children will grow up and continue the cycle of verbal and/or physical abuse with their own children, or their anger and feelings of worthlessness will be turned against themselves and result in eating disorders, addictions, abusive relationships, etc.  Of course the good news is that God may choose, in His infinite mercy, to save them and help them walk a new path.  However, even if that happens, they will continue to struggle with remaining anger.

Oh, how important it is for us to examine our hearts and not be a stumbling block for our children!  And if we do respond in a way that is not honoring to God, we should confess our sin and ask forgiveness of our children.  Then, they need to see us respond in the correct way with love and self-control.  While certainly not ideal, God may choose to use our sin and repentance for good in our children’s lives rather than evil. 

The example that Ginger used on pp. 87-88 to teach our children not to interrupt was golden.  It’s definitely a work in progress in our household right now, but the concept of a child respectfully touching mom’s arm to get her attention is such a great way to train our children not to rudely interrupt.  When the mom covers her child’s hand with her own it is the perfect way to communicate, “I love you.  You are important to me.  Thank you for being patient until I can talk with you.”  Teaching a young child not to interrupt goes right along with teaching self-control, patience, and empathy for others’ needs.  Believe me, your child’s future Sunday School or classroom teacher will appreciate it!

I will close by mentioning the “Wise Words for Moms and Dads” chart that Ginger introduced on the last two pages.  I own this chart and have found it very useful.  When I first got it, I spent time in my Bible, reading all the correlating passages that Ginger has paired with the specific discipline issue.  Over time, I have added a few of my own verses that I have found to speak to an issue.  I don’t refer to it every day, but studying it has helped me be more prepared to respond with biblical reproof.  And, when a particular discipline issue keeps cropping up, I go to the chart and re-read the correlating Scripture passages to refresh myself on how best to respond.

I hope that this chapter was useful for you as well.  Next week we will begin to discuss the biblical use of the rod.  Always a hot topic in both the Christian and secular community!  I invite you to comment below on this week’s chapter.  Discuss amongst yourselves!

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 7

Welcome to the seventh week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!   If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

This chapter was full of practical suggestions for parents to deal with manipulation.  Her theological perspective of looking at how Jesus responded to foolishness is very helpful.  Instead of getting into arguments and power struggles, Jesus cut right to the heart of the matter and avoided the trap that was being set for him.

This is easier said than done.  If Grace doesn’t want to obey, my first reaction is often to argue and/or reason with her.  When dealing with a child who is trying to “get out” of doing something they don’t want to do, that kind of response can lead to frustration and anger.  Instead, I need to go straight to the heart of the matter and call her on whatever manipulation she is using to not obey. 

This morning, Grace was bothering her friend Caleb while he was trying to read a book, even after he asked her to stop.  I disciplined her, then I told her to sit on the couch with me for a couple of minutes until he finished his book.  I could tell she wanted to get down so bad and go over to him.  She looked at me with big, sweet eyes and put her hand on my arm.  She patted my arm softly and said, “I love you, mom” while slowly sliding off the couch.  She tried to cover her disobedience with a gesture of affection.  It was a great opportunity for me to practice going right to the heart of the matter.

My focus this week is to respond wisely to Grace’s foolishness.  I should not argue or try to reason with her.   I honestly believe that getting into power struggles ultimately lessens our parental authority.

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment on the topics raised…I look forward to reading them!  Stay tuned for a post next Monday on chapter eight.

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 6

Welcome to the sixth week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!   If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

Chapter Six was, to me, the “meat” of this book.  The power of God’s word is the ultimate authority to guide us how we might discipline our children.  Once again, I was challenged to the call to know and speak the Word of God so often that it is done in a comfortable and conversational manner.  The only way I can do this is by studying God’s Word myself, then translating it into a language that my 4-yr-old can understand. 

I loved Ginger’s challenge to view every discipline issue as a means to showing our children their need for a Savior.  We are like “mommy missionaries!”  Instead of getting angry and impatient, we should be thankful for the opportunity to point them to Christ.  Wow, that’s easier said than done, and definitely something I need to take to heart.

I appreciated Ginger’s slight detour into the land of excuses.  We’ve heard moms make excuses for their kid’s behavior (hungry, tired, bored, sick, etc.), and I’ve fallen into that trap myself.  The bottom line is that sin is sin.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with extending mercy or grace to our children under challenging circumstances, but we shouldn’t make the mistake of ignoring or excusing bad behavior.  Consistency is key, even when it’s tough.

Training our children to submit to us as parents prepares them to submit to God as a Christian.  I’ve never thought of it quite this way, but it makes sense.  The quote from the book (pg. 75) said,

“When they accept Jesus and surrender to His Lordship, they find it easier to heed His commands because they are already in the habit of obeying.”

Of course, it is the Holy Spirit that convicts their little hearts and God that ultimately opens their hearts, but think of the spiritual benefits that our children will have by beginning a Christian life with solid biblical teaching from childhood!  What a gift that is to our children, and my prayer is that God will use it to gently lead our daughter into His flock.

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment on the topics raised…I look forward to reading them!  Stay tuned for a post next Monday on chapter seven.

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 5

Welcome to the fifth week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!  This was the first chapter in Part II of our book.  If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

I don’t know about you, but taming the tongue is a work in progress for me.  It seems like the older I get, the more I must exercise my “mouth filter.”  Part of this comes from my background as a band director, where I had to act a certain way to maintain control of large groups of teenagers at once!  Another area I fight is my natural tendency towards sarcasm…not good when disciplining children.  I’ve had to go back and apologize to Grace for things I said or an angry tone of voice I used when she disobeyed.

Ginger reminds us that reproof is not just calling attention to our child’s sin, but teaching our children how they violated God’s law and how to change.  My favorite quote from this chapter is on pg. 58:

“Chastising for the wrong without teaching them the right can exasperate them, provoke them to fear and anger, and fail to result in inward change.”

Unfortunately in today’s world, society frowns upon spanking because so many people (even Christians!) do it the wrong way.  When the rod is administered in an angry and emotional way without biblical reproof, the results can be disastrous.  In severe cases, children can develop fearful and self-loathing attitudes.  Others become very angry and aggressive themselves, therefore repeating the cycle to the next generation.  Ginger has a lot more to say about biblical use of the rod in later chapters…

Back to reproof…I liked how Ginger compared the passage from Proverbs 29:15 (“The rod and reproof give wisdom…”) to the passage from Ephesians 6:4 (“…bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”).  This shows that God’s overall plan for raising children has not changed between the OT/NT.  God’s plan is for us to administer consequences AND instruct them verbally.  If we don’t, our children will become more disobedient (Proverbs) and/or suffer emotionally (Ephesians). 

The next section talks about teaching “in the moment” and allowing our children to practice the correct way to act.  For example, a person can’t learn to play the piano by listening to verbal lectures on hand position and music theory.  A commitment of time actually practicing the piano is necessary to build skills.  In the same way, we must be committed as parents to take the time to practice and build Godly skills in our children.  It’s the only way they will learn to think and act in a wise way on their own. 

The correct use of verbal reproof is an area that I need to continually be working.  I am always praying for self-control and patience when dealing with disobedience.  If God can forgive me and love me when I continually sin against him, then I want to show the same love and compassion for my child. 

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment below on the topics raised…I look forward to reading them!  Stay tuned for a post next Monday on chapter six.

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 4

Welcome to the fourth week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!  This was the last chapter in Part I of our book.  If you didn’t read, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s quick and easy to get caught up.

For me, this was one of the most eye-opening chapters of the book.  All too often I find myself correcting and/or punishing Grace’s sinful behavior, having her ask forgiveness, and moving on.  This leaves out a vital step…training in righteousness.  I should always model for her what a biblical response should have been and make her practice that response.

My favorite quote from this chapter is on pg. 48:

“As a rule, anytime you correct your child for wrong behavior, have him walk through the right behavior.  This is how we train our children to walk in the righteousness of Christ.”

This takes a lot of time.  However, Lord willing, we will hopefully see lasting improvement over time as our kids learn to think like Christ.

I loved the section about being a “tattletale.”  In a wise and practical application of Matthew 18, Ginger suggests ways to handle conflict between children.  Grace is an only child, so I don’t deal with this problem as much as other parents might.  However, I’ll admit that Grace is quick to run to me when problems arise with other children on play dates, when I babysit, etc.  Biblical conflict resolution is such an important skill to teach our kids…they will use it their whole lives.  This is something I’m focusing on right now with our daughter.  Instead of having the victim mentality, we want her to be confident enough to try to resolve the problem on her own first.  God’s plan is so wise.

The role-playing section was a good example of HOW we train our children in righteousness.  Let’s face it…kids tune out their parents’ voices, and words are often forgotten.  They are much more likely to remember what to do if they practice it frequently.  With Grace, I have even role-played different conflict scenarios when we are playing with dolls or stuffed animals.  I think she internalizes it more when she’s not in an emotional state!

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment below on the topics raised.  Perhaps consider one or more of the following questions:

Why is it important to show our kids how they should have responded instead of sinning?  How do you handle conflict resolution between siblings and/or peers?  Do you use role-playing and does it seem to help?

I look forward to reading your comments!  This week we begin Part II of Ginger’s book, which will help us focus on what biblical reproof looks like.  Stay tuned for a post next Monday on chapter five.

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 3

Welcome to the third week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!  I hope everyone had the opportunity to get the book and read through Chapter 3.  If you didn’t, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s a quick read and easy to get caught up.

In this chapter, Ginger goes more in-depth about how to draw out issues of the heart.  Her first point was a good one…we need to talk WITH our children, not just TO our children.  This means listening and understanding what they are saying.  My favorite quote from this chapter was on p. 36:

“When you help your child to understand what is in his heart, you are teaching him to evaluate his own motives, which will help to equip him for his walk with Christ as he grows into an adult."

Isn’t that what it’s all about?  Equipping our kids to walk with Christ?  And while we’re helping our kids understand what is in THEIR heart, we also must deal with what is in OUR heart.  I’m going to lay it all on the line…I didn’t realize that I had an anger problem until I had a child of my own.  I find my patience waning thin and my heart welling up with anger at times.  Can’t she be quiet for just ONE MINUTE?  Do I have to help her with everything?  Why can’t she just obey me the first time?  Let’s face it…parenting is hard.  While it brings boundless joy, it also brings to the surface the ugly parts of our own hearts.  I’m constantly working through this with prayer, immersion in God’s Word, and my love for my daughter.  Do I want Grace to see an angry and quick-tempered monster?  Or do I want her to see a kind and forgiving soul?  What kind of parent would God have me to be?  How can I show the love of Christ in my actions towards my child?  Otherwise, why would she ever want to be a Christian?  It’s quite humbling.

For practical use, I love the example Ginger gives about sharing between siblings.  I used her method several times this morning when Grace and the little boy I babysit were arguing about our toys.  Since they are friends, I remembered the verse from Proverbs 17:17 that says “A friend loves at all times.”  The first time there was an issue I spent about five minutes talking with them and asking questions about how we could treat each other with love.  After that, a quick reminder “Are you treating Grace with love?” or “Grace, is that how we treat our friends?” was much more effective.  Until Grace said angrily, “Caleb, you’re not treating me with love!”  That brought up a whole new issue.  Anyway, Ginger’s method helped me this morning, and it definitely helped us focus on the heart issue of WHY we don’t steal toys. 

And that brings me to my last reflection of this chapter.  If we are going to train our children in righteousness, God’s Word must be on the tip of our tongue.  That means we need to spend time in God’s Word!  A good place to start is Proverbs.  There is so much wisdom in this book, especially for mothers!  I learned this habit from my mom, who has a Proverb to answer all questions in life.  There are 31 chapters in Proverbs.  Every day, I read the chapter that corresponds to the date.  For example, today I read Proverbs chapter 2 since it is Feb. 2nd.  Eventually, many of these bits of wisdom will commit themselves to your memory and be useful in your parenting journey.  This habit has greatly helped me, and I needs lots of help!

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment below on the topics raised.  Perhaps consider one or more of the following questions:

What are some things you do to draw out matters of the heart in your children?  Why is it important to train our children to think like Christians?  How do you find time as a busy mom to read Scripture?

I look forward to reading your comments!  Next Monday stay tuned for a post on Chapter 4!

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Ch. 2

Welcome to the second week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!  I hope everyone had the opportunity to get the book and read through Chapter 2.  If you didn’t, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s a quick read and easy to get caught up.

This week we started off with an explanation of the difference between the world’s view of discipline and a biblical view of discipline.  Many people view discipline as a punitive, angry act that punishes a child for poor behavior.  Many people think of harshness, yelling, and angry spanking.  Sometimes, the worldly view of discipline is simply behavior modification…..a set of rules and consequences.  One popular system of discipline that comes to mind is “1-2-3 Magic.”  I actually had a counseling professor once tell me that “training a child is like training a dog.”  In the pop psychology world, parents are encouraged to give good consequences for good behavior and remove privileges or give natural consequences for bad behavior.  Another popular strategy is to focus on the good behavior and ignore the bad behavior.

While many of the above strategies may prove useful, ONLY using those strategies misses the “heart” of the issue that is such an important component of biblical discipline.  Ginger sums this idea up perfectly in my favorite line from this chapter on p. 26:

“…we do not need the latest fad methods.  We need God’s methods.”

Another great line is also on p. 26:

“After all, if you can reach the heart, the behavior will take care of itself.”

When I was a teacher, I had to be gone several days during the year for trainings and music conferences.  On these days, a substitute teacher would assume control of my classes.  There were lots of teachers on campus that had excellent control of their classrooms…kids were always behaving, their rooms were neat and organized.  However, when those teachers were gone and substitutes came in, the class went wild.  In my opinion, they were governing their class legalistically and focusing on the outward behavior instead of trying to reach the hearts of their students and make them WANT to be good.  It was always my goal as a teacher to tug at the kid’s heartstrings and make them WANT to learn, be kind, and be respectful of others.  I wanted my classroom to be a haven, a safe place in the school where we were always kind and respectful to each other, EVEN IF I WASN’T THERE.  I’m certainly not saying my students were always perfect, but I continually got notes from substitute teachers saying they were amazed at how well my students behaved.  Many subs asked if I would specifically request them to come back the next time I was absent! 

This same concept of reaching the hearts of our children is what Ginger is saying should be the focus of biblical discipline.  It truly is a big job and takes a lot of effort when we think through and instruct our children in God’s Word.  I am constantly tempted to rush through discipline without using it as an opportunity for Biblical teaching.  Life is crazy, and sometimes we just don’t want to stop and deal with things.  But what I have found is that, over time, problem behaviors diminish when I am consistent to TEACH and not just REACT.

One of the most popular world views today is that people are basically good.  Children are innocent.  We need to look for the good within people, draw it out, let it shine.  Here’s the truth:  WE ARE UGLY.  Our heart is ugly.  We are all sinners.  Children do not escape this truth.  We need to expect our children to sin and not be surprised when they disobey.  After all, parents know that we don’t have to teach our kids to lie, steal, scream, fuss, hit, or disobey.  They come by it naturally, thanks to the fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden when sin entered God’s perfect world. 

The biggest responsibility we have as parents is to teach our children how God would have us act and treat each other.  Teach and model God’s forgiveness.  Show them their need for a Savior and how redemption is found in Jesus’s sacrifice.  I don’t know about you, but that responsibility is overwhelming when I ponder it!  Our most important mission field is our own children!

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment below on the topics raised.  Perhaps consider one or more of the following questions:

How is a biblical view of discipline/instruction different from the world’s view?  How can focusing only on outward behavior be harmful to a child?  Why is it important to recognize the heart as sinful?

I look forward to reading your comments!  Next Monday stay tuned for a post on Chapter 3!

Don’t Make Me Count To Three – Intro/Ch. 1

Welcome to the first week of our book study through Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count To Three!  I hope everyone had the opportunity to get the book and read through Chapter 1.  If you didn’t, no worries!  Just join along with us anytime.  It’s a quick read and easy to get caught up.

Right off the bat, Ginger throws a small dart and pricks my heart on p. 13. 

“Could it be that parents avoid these [discipline] issues because they are uncertain of how to handle them?”

Bingo.  I thought of all the times I have purposefully ignored Grace when she was misbehaving, just hoping that she would straighten up on her own.  Or gave her too many warnings.  Or threatened a spanking.  Guess what?  It doesn’t work.  I need to have a game plan.  I need to change my way of thinking.

Not only that, but I need to think beyond Grace’s outward behavior and focus more on her heart.  In today’s world, when one thinks of the word discipline, one might equate it with spanking, or punishment, or something quite negative.  Actually, the roots of the word discipline come from the Latin word discipulus (“pupil”) and discere (“to learn”).  The process of assigning some sort of punishment or consequence is only one part of discipline.  When we focus on the whole process of discipline including biblical teaching, Lord willing we will reach the heart of our child to promote lasting change and set the foundation for their future salvation.

I love that Chapter 1 focuses on the high calling of motherhood.  As a former career woman, I admit that at times I have questioned the importance of my place at home with Grace.  I think of all the children I taught and mentored and helped over the years, and I wonder if my life would be of better service in the “mission field” of our public schools.

Then I think of Psalm 129:3 which says:

”Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

And the command in Proverbs 22:6 which says:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

And the promise in Proverbs 31:27-28 which says:

“She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

And I realize that, yes, working with children in the public schools was a great use of my time.  But working with Grace in my home is a greater use of my time.

And, in closing, I also love that Ginger warns us to not let the ugly head of pride enter as we start to enjoy the fruits of biblical discipline in our children.  Just yesterday, I was humbled once again as we waited (forever!) for a table in Todd’s favorite restaurant to celebrate his birthday lunch with some friends from church.  Grace was fussy and complaining and impatient as we passed time in a crowded waiting area.  After taking her out for discipline a couple of times, she was better, but she certainly didn’t win any awards for behavior yesterday.  And I had to check my attitude several times when I found myself getting frustrated!  Thankfully, God answered my prayer and she settled down and let us eat in peace once we were seated.

That said, there is no “magical” or “biblical” formula for getting children to obey all the time.  Enter sin.  There has been only one person on this earth who has never sinned.  Our Lord Jesus Christ.  (Can you imagine what it must have been like to be his mother, Mary?).  Children sin.  It is a result of the fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden.  We need to expect our children to sin.  We need to not be surprised when they sin.  And we need to learn how God would have us deal with their sin in our growth as parents.  Funny thing, at the same time we end up dealing with our own sin!

I hope that many of you will join in and comment on what particularly struck you in this week’s reading.  Even if you didn’t read, feel free to comment below on the topics raised.  Perhaps consider one or more of the following questions:

What do you hope to gain from this parenting study?  How do you feel about the calling of motherhood?  Why is it important to focus on the “heart” of discipline rather than just outward behavior?  How can we keep pride from entering when things start to get better?

I look forward to reading your comments!  Next Monday stay tuned for a post on Chapter 2!