Preschooler Quote of the Day

Grace:  (excitedly)  “Hey, Kie, did you know I went to the Cinderella show on Saturday?”

Kie:  (looking bored)  “Yeah, I know.  I saw it on Facebook.”

HA HA HA!

R.I.P. Gateway J., 2006-2010

Gateway J., the beloved laptop computer of Joanna J., died suddenly on January 30, 2010.  She was only 3 1/2 years old.  

Adopted from the local Best Buy store, Gateway J. grew up in a loving home.  She was not the fastest and most technically advanced of her peers, but she faithfully tackled every job given to her.  Her lifetime accomplishments include record-keeping for growing Avon and EBay businesses, family photo storage, and protection of an extensive recipe collection.  Even at the end of a hard workday, Gateway J. was always willing to play a friendly game of Spider Solitaire.  It is because of Gateway J. that this blog, Grace In The Home, came into existence.

Gateway J. was often seen as a companion for Joanna J.  She loved to travel in a stylish bag and she enjoyed being seen at local Starbucks and Barnes & Noble stores.  Her cheery desktop backgrounds always made people feel happy.  She loved to entertain her big sister, Grace J., with preschool websites and activities.

Although her last year was spent in poorer health, Gateway J. had no interest in retiring.  Her last official duty was publishing the blog article Kindergarten Contemplations.  

A brief memorial service was held today in the Geek Squad waiting room, presided over by Gary, Senior Geek Squad Technician.  In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Gateway Motherboard Research Center.

A Lesson In Shoplifting

Yesterday I witnessed a creative shoplifting technique at my local dollar store.  Grace and I were in the back of the store perusing the Jet Dry Rinse Aids when a young man came over to look for an employee. 

The kid was nervous and awkward and he started babbling about a neighboring dollar store that had just been robbed.  We heard a detailed description of how the store had been closed and there were several cop cars in front.  He had been trying to go to the other store to buy a microwave.  (Yeah, right, the dollar store carries microwaves…) 

Anyway, because of the sensational story he was telling, the front two employees wandered to the back to hear what was going on.  The manager got out her cell phone and started trying to call the store that was (supposedly) being robbed. 

With all the employees in a huddle in the back, the kid made his way back to the front of the store.  I followed him and saw him walk up to the battery display and start stuffing his pockets.  Then he slipped quickly out the door and ran off.  I turned around to go back and tell the employees and I saw the manager walking up behind me.  She had seen him take off through the window.

Grace and I heard all sorts of colorful descriptives from the infuriated manager…it was a classic “distract & rob” technique.  I’ll admit that part of me wanted to take off running after the kid and drag him back to the store by his ear…it’s the band director coming out in me…or my Nana.  Anyway, I just stood there and watched.

You have to admit the kid is pretty creative.

Maybe someday I’ll look back and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

I have an idea for a future way that government officials can get captured terrorists to talk:  feed them truck stop BBQ, make them drink a 42 oz. Diet Coke, then park them on a backwoods interstate highway with a bored preschooler that “needs to go poopie” for four hours.  They’ll talk.

But since this is the Thanksgiving holiday, I’ll begin with what I am thankful for. 

1. Nobody was hurt.  When our tire blew out, Todd handled the car beautifully and got us to the side of the road safely.
2. There are good Samaritans in the world.  Several people stopped and offered to help.
3. One of our cell phones was fully charged.
4. We had a full tank of gas and could keep the car running to stay warm.  (And keep the DVD player going for Grace.)
5. Our insurance company, GEICO, is great.
6. Despite the “no bathroom” issue, Grace was good and looked upon this whole circumstance as one big adventure.  High maintenance, but sweet.

I began yesterday morning by getting the car serviced in preparation for our trip.  Everything looked fine and the car technician, who knows our car pretty well from periodic oil changes, expressed again his amazement at how well our 14-year-old, 225,000 mile van has held up over the years.  Pride goeth before the fall, folks.

Around Longview, we started feeling a slight rumble when we hit higher speeds.  We pulled over (to a truck stop BBQ joint) and inspected the car.  Things looked fine, so we thought maybe it was the bumpy road and our imagination.  After our meal, we got back on the road.  The noise got worse and the car got shakier as we drove through Shreveport.  Right after we got on I-49, there was a tremendous noise that was obviously a blowout.  Todd carefully maneuvered the car to the side.  (Thanks, hon!)

Upon inspection, the tire was completely shattered.  Beyond repair.  We dug out the spare tire and car jack from the trunk and Todd went to work.  I went back in the car and dealt with the endless exclamations of how Grace needed to go poopie. 

It took Todd well over an hour to change the tire due to a terrible jack and a spare tire that hadn’t seen the light of day since 1996, which ended up being completely flat and undriveable.  Also, the mud flap was hanging by thread and part of the back section of our car was coming off.

It was about this time that I was really regretting my decision to never be a Girl Scout.  Do they teach you how to go to the bathroom in the woods?

Todd got on the phone and called our insurance company.  Since we were in the middle of nowhere, they had a hard time finding a tow company that would be willing to come get us.  They would call us back.

And now we wait.  Todd met several good folks who stopped and asked to help.  Unless they had a Port-A-Potty hidden in their trunk, there wasn’t much they could do.

After a while, a friendly state trooper stopped and offered assistance.  He suggested some good tow companies, but we were still waiting to hear from GEICO.  They called back while we were talking and said they had found someone in Bossier City who would be there in an hour. 

Since it was a slow night, the trooper kept us company.  He and Todd talked shop while I changed the movie in the DVD player and started our M&M extravaganza to try and keep Grace’s mind off the lack of facilities.

After waiting forever, we got a call from an over-friendly GEICO agent that the tow truck broke down.  That’s right, folks.  We were back to square one.  Enter more M&M’s and another new DVD movie.  And contemplations of how to teach a 4-yr-old girl to squat in the woods when you don’t even know how to do it.

After a while, GEICO called back to say a tow truck had been located in Mansfield, LA, and would be there within another hour.  While sitting in the car, the following conversation took place:

Grace:  “Mommy, I want to tell you a secret.”

Me:  “What is it?”

Grace:  (leaning into my ear) “Did you know we are stuck in the grass?”

Me:  (chuckling) “Yes, we’re stuck in the grass because the tire broke.”

Grace:  (glancing sideways at Todd and pointing) “Yeah, it’s because Daddy wasn’t driving straight.”

After Todd and I erupted in laughter, we explained that we weren’t stuck because of daddy’s driving skills, but because of the tire.  But in her mind, the car broke because daddy started swerving wildly (when the tire blew).  I love kids’ perceptions of things.

Eventually the tow truck guy, Nash, arrived on the scene and was greeted by much overjoyed whooping and hollering (on Grace’s part).  I attribute her reaction to a sugar rush caused by approximately 637 M&M’s.

I got Grace situated in the back seat of the tow truck while Todd and Nash loaded up the van.  We soon got on the road.  Nash was very hospitable and offered us a wide assortment of Honey Buns and Little Debbie snacks, which we declined due to the aforementioned sugar rush.  We drove 40 miles to Natchitoches, listening to Nash describe his restored 1969 Chevelle like a proud new parent.  Todd pretended to be interested while I pretended to be asleep.

We arrived at the Econo Lodge Inn & Suites with visions of a toilet in our future.  Todd quickly unloaded all our stuff from the van while I got us checked in.  Grace and I headed to the room while Todd went with Nash to drop off the van at the repair place.  My sweet parents arranged for a friend to come pick up Todd from the hotel this morning and transport him to the repair shop when it opened. 

The girl at the front desk laughed when Todd inquired about shuttle service or a cab.  I guess she felt sorry for us because she upgraded us to a suite, complete with a mirrored bed with a broken vibrating feature.  I can only assume it was the honeymoon suite. 

Todd left early this morning to deal with the van, and Grace and I are getting ready to explore our food options at the hotel’s continental breakfast.  Lord willing, we’ll be on the road again soon.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Preschooler Quote(s) of the Day

Heard from the backseat as we drove to church this evening:

“Hey Mommy, guess what?!? My arm is under [the seatbelt] and my finger isn’t in my nose!  Isn’t that great?!?”

Tonight’s bedtime prayer:

“Dear God,

I forgive mommy for giving me a spanking today.  Please help me to be a sweet girl tomorrow so I don’t have to forgive her again. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”

Priceless.

All We Needed Was Popcorn and Maybe A Bullet-Proof Vest

Grace was feeling better today, so we took her to hear my dad  preach at the Founder’s Conference, then out to lunch at Chili’s, then shopping.  I think that was about three places too many considering her level of discontent and fussiness.  Apparently, after being cooped up for a few days getting over strep throat, she decided to make up for all her lost energy. 

Our main shopping goal this afternoon was to find my mom a new pair of jeans.  I’ve decided that it is just as easy to search for a mythical unicorn.  On a whim, we decided to look in Dots.  With the help of an overly cheerful and helpful sales clerk, mom actually found her unicorn in the form of a very hip, mid-rise, dark-wash, classic-fit, boot-cut, extra-long, slight-stretch, flap-pocket, low-priced pair of jeans.

But it wasn’t as amazing as what we witnessed in the store. 

Mom was in the dressing room while Grace and I sat in a chair and waited.  A middle-aged female customer walked in the store and immediately started giving our very friendly sales clerk some attitude about availability, size, basically anything she could find to complain (loudly) about.  Our clerk kept her cool and remained professional. 

About that time mom came out of the dressing room and I enthusiastically approved her choice of jeans.  Our sales clerk used that opportunity to get away from PMS-lady and come see mom in her jeans.  That infuriated PMS-lady.  She angrily demanded that the clerk open a dressing room for her, after telling her that she was “rude” and “inconsiderate.”

While PMS-lady was in the dressing room, the sales clerk, clearly ruffled, came up to me and asked, “Do you think that I’m rude and inconsiderate?”  No, I replied.  You’ve been very kind and helpful.  I’m thinking:  Shhhh, she can hear you in the dressing room. 

The clerk got louder.  “I can’t believe she said that to me!  I’m a positive person!”  Shhhh, she can hear you in the dressing room.

“I’m always happy!  I was so nice to her even though she was rude to me!”  Shhhh, she can hear you in the dressing room.

PMS-lady busts out of the dressing room:  “YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK NOW???  I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME!  WHO THE @*&^ DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  YOU ARE SO RUDE!  YOU SHOULD BE FIRED!”  Gets in the startled clerk’s face: “$&@*# YOU!” [Storms out of the store muttering curses.]

PMS-lady actually said a lot more than that, but mom and I couldn’t remember everything…we were in a state of shock.  Grace stared wide-eyed at the whole exchange, then provided a little comic relief after the woman left.

Grace:  [shaking head] “Mama, she wasn’t using sweet words.”

No, she wasn’t.

You Know You’re A Good Mom When…

you discover your child eating old chocolate chip cookies she found at the bottom of a shopping cart and you let her finish them because she’s “SO SO SO hungry!”

you allow your daughter to go “butterfly hunting” with two friends while you visit with the their mom.  Upon returning from the “hunt” with a live moth, you just smile and shrug as you watch your daughter squish the moth with her hand while trying to hold it, then lick her fingers.  *shudder*

you let your child drink your Pepsi Max right before bedtime because you’re too tired from The Shred to get up and go to the kitchen and get her some juice.

you realize while doing laundry that you forgot to wash your child’s bed sheets last week.

you find yourself rationalizing that a quick coat of hand sanitizer on your child’s major extremities would be a lot faster than bathtime.

you secretly take the batteries out of your child’s favorite Elmo doll because it’s the most annoying toy EVER, then act surprised and suggest that maybe Elmo is tired and wants to take a nap when your child wants to know why he doesn’t talk anymore.

you get to the end of the day and regret that you accomplished nothing on your to-do list…yet your daughter climbs into your lap and hugs you and says, “Thank you mama!  I had so much fun today!”

This Is The Best Website Ever

I read about this website in a Good Housekeeping magazine and I couldn’t wait to try it.

Basically, you upload a full-body picture of yourself, enter your current height/weight, then your DESIRED weight, and…voila!…your picture is transformed and you get to see yourself at your goal weight!  It’s truly amazing. 

It’s called WeightMirror.  Imagine the possibilities for your new Facebook profile pic…(just kidding!).  Boy, I wish it were that easy.

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best

Grace and I went to Target yesterday to buy a birthday present.  We were browsing the card section where I was trying to explain to Grace why we couldn’t buy a Hello Kitty or Barbie card for a little boy.  “But he would LOOOOVE Hello Kitty, Mama!”  This is harder to explain than you might think.  On one hand, I’m telling her that boys don’t want cute kitty cats…on the other hand I’m contradicting my often vocalized opinion that men who like (or at least tolerate) cats make better husbands.  It’s a valid theory.

Anyway, there must be something about me that invites total strangers to talk to me.  Today it was an elderly woman who asked me to help her pick out a birthday card.  She had selected several and was having difficulty choosing the best one for her 15-yr-old grandson. 

I stifled a grin as I noticed that most of the cards contained flowers, glitter, curly embellishments, or pastel colors.  “You’re buying this for your grandson?” I inquired again.  “Yes,” she said.  “They’re all so nice I just can’t pick!”  I decided to be honest.  “Well,” I said, “They’re really pretty cards, but I’m not sure that a teenage boy would like them.”  Grandma looked at me sorrowfully. 

“Have you looked in the blue section that says ‘His Birthday’?”  I asked.  [She had been looking in the general birthday section.]  I led her down the aisle and showed her the “grandson” section.  She didn’t look too excited although she thanked me kindly.

I went back to the kid’s section and finalized our card choice with Grace.  I noticed that Grandma, after looking at the masculine cards for less than a minute, moved back to the “pretty” section.  Based on what she was holding when I bid her a good afternoon, I hope that her grandson likes garden scenes.

McDonald’s Visit

After our doctor’s appointments today, I offered to take Grace out to lunch as a reward.  She wanted Chuck E. Cheese’s but it was SO CROWDED, so we changed our plan and went to McDonald’s.  I compromised by driving a little further to a different McDonald’s that has a particularly large indoor playground. 

We got our food and went to sit in the play area.  I was minding my own business and eating my snack wrap when all of a sudden a little boy PROJECTILE VOMITED on my leg.  Grace thought this was quite funny and decided to hop down from her chair, BAREFOOTED, and WALK THROUGH THE VOMIT to see my leg.  I can’t even begin to describe the smell.  Horrors.

I am cursed with a strong gag reflex.  (Nurse Ann…if you are reading this, I know you are laughing).  Working in an elementary school for all those years I believe made me worse.  I just don’t do well with vomit.  As I experienced the familiar feeling rising in my throat I started praying…God, please don’t let me throw up in front of all these people.  Please, have mercy.  Please.  Please. 

I am happy to report that God spared me the embarrassment of hurling in front of everyone, but I will never be able to eat another snack wrap.  Or perhaps even visit a McDonald’s for a while. 

Somehow I got us both cleaned up as best I could while swallowing my gag reflex over and over, then we came home and took a shower.  Grace seemed unaffected by the whole experience.  Actually, she was quite delighted.  Future nurse???  She didn’t get it from me, folks.

Apparently math skills are not a pre-requisite for this job…

Today I went to Albertson’s grocery store to pick up a few items.  My total was $13.41.  I always like to get rid of change if possible (especially pennies), but I didn’t have the exact .41, so I gave the cashier $20.01. 

She took my money, then held up the penny and asked, “Did you mean to give me this?”  I said, “Yes, I like to get rid of my pennies.”  She continued to hold the penny with a puzzled look on her face, examined the total price again, then looked back at me.  I felt further explanation was needed, so I smiled and said, “I would rather get back $6.60 than $6.59.”  She shrugged her shoulders and punched $20.01 into the cash register.  When the amount of change was displayed on the register, she had an “Ah-ha!” moment.  “Oh, that’s so cool!” she exclaimed, happily giving me my change. 

Yes, it’s “cool” to be able to add and subtract.

View From The Top, Part II

I wrote a post several weeks ago about a strange incident that happened in our church.  Well, today we witnessed a repeat performance. 

The same man came back this week for the worship service.  From the choir loft, I watched him sit on the last row of the ground floor.  I honestly don’t know how our pastor kept his concentration, because I couldn’t stop watching him thrash his arms and head about during the whole service, including most of the sermon.  If he wasn’t imitating a Richard Simmons exercise video, he was throwing his black hat in the air.  And by “throwing” I mean executing a high spin-toss with a great one-handed catch.  At least a hundred times.  I was actually impressed at his eye-hand coordination.

I saw no evidence of whiskey this time (other than his behavior).  I’m not sure what this man’s story is or why he acts the way he acts, but I know that God has placed him in our worship service for a reason.  Perhaps the Holy Spirit is calling him into a new life. 

I just wish he wasn’t so disruptive to other people who are trying to worship…

Because Some Things Just Must Be Documented…

People have always fascinated me.  I remember when I was a little girl and my grandparents would take me and my brothers to the mall.  My grandmother would take us around to shop for clothes or shoes, and my granddaddy would park himself on a bench and watch everyone walk by.  For HOURS.  I used to wonder how he could stand to sit there that long, but now I think I could probably do the same thing and never get bored.

Because, folks, people are entertaining.

Yesterday I was at Albertson’s grabbing a few groceries.  The lines were pretty long when I was ready to check out, and I parked my cart behind what I thought would be the shortest wait time.  After waiting a few minutes, I realized that the woman in front of me had a huge notebook overflowing with coupons, and she was going through her basket and matching up her items with coupons in preparation for checking out.  This particular Albertson’s doesn’t have the best track record in my experience on accuracy (in price scanning/coupons), and I knew this woman was going to be watching that cashier like a hawk.  I thought about moving to another line, but I decided to hang tight because I have been that woman, and I was interested to see how much this customer’s groceries were going to cost.  (Sad, I know.  But at least I’m admitting to being nosy).  And I’m so glad I didn’t move, because I would have missed out on what happened next.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I saw the corner of a blue racecar shopping cart being forced into the 12 inches of space between the front end of my cart and the coupon lady.  I looked over to see an attractive woman talking on a cell phone while trying to keep a 3-yr-old boy corralled inside the racecar.  I thought at first that she had come over to grab something from the candy or cold drink fridge that’s in the checkout area.  Then I realized that she was CUTTING IN LINE.  Blatantly.  Not even trying to disguise it.  Without any eye contact.  Still talking on the cell phone.

The coupon lady noticed what was happening when the blue racecar started pushing the back of her legs and she was forced to move forward.  The coupon lady’s eyes were priceless.  She looked at me as if to say, “Can you believe this woman?  Are you going to let her cut?”  I just shrugged and smiled a little as the mom continued to maneuver her racecar in between us. 

I had a choice to make.  I could make a scene and insist that she go to the back of the line, or I could lay back and do nothing.  Or I could say something full of sarcasm in a really sweet voice, which suits my passive-aggressive personality to a tee.  Guess which one I decided to do?  I planned to wait until she got off the phone, get her attention, and say, “It looks like you are in a big hurry.  It’s okay if you go in front of me.  I have time to wait.”

But, alas, I didn’t get the opportunity.  She abruptly cut off her cell phone conversation when her son managed to escape the confines of his blue racecar and pull about fifty gift cards off a display and throw them all over the floor.  When she started yelling at him for making a mess, he took off running through the store, weaving in and out of customers, hiding behind shopping carts, laughing gleefully as his mom frantically tried to catch him.

Since she had abandoned her cart, I thought about pushing it away and reclaiming my spot in line.  But the entertainment value was just too great.  I was fascinated to see if she would ever acknowledge the fact that she had cut in front of me.  She eventually caught her son’s shirt and started dragging him back to the blue racecar, threatening to “beat his butt” if he didn’t stay in the cart.  She pushed him into the driver’s seat, grabbed a celebrity magazine off the shelf, and started reading.  Still no eye contact with me.

Her son escaped again and started pulling candy off the shelves.  She glanced up, told him he “better get back in that cart RIGHT NOW”, then went back to reading her magazine as he ignored her and continued to dig around in the candy.  To which Grace loudly observed while pointing, “He’s not obeying his mommy!”  Still no eye contact with me.

Time went by very slowly because, as I had predicted, the coupon lady had to correct several errors in scanning and sale prices.  The boy started getting bored with the candy display, so he decided to take off running again and play hide-and-seek with his mom.  This time he ran all the way to the bank that is located in the grocery store, ignoring his mom’s orders to come back in line.  She lost sight of him and started counting loudly, “ONE!…TWO!…You better get where I can see you!…TWO AND A HALF!…Where are you?..I’m almost to three!...There you are!…Get back over here!…I’m fixing to say three!…If I say three you’re gonna get it!…That’s right, you come back now…Oh, good boy…Thank you for coming back…That’s a sweet boy…”  Seriously?  I couldn’t believe she was praising him. 

Grace was absolutely enthralled.  The boy went back to disorganizing the candy and mom went back to the celebrity magazine.  Still no eye contact.  At this point, there was a good-sized collection of scattered gift cards and candy on the floor.  Grace made another loud observation, “He’s making a mess!  That’s not very nice.”  I leaned over to tell her to be quiet and stop talking about the boy.  She responded by trying to look around me and said, “Mama!  Please move over.  I can’t SEE him!”  (Which the lady in line behind me thought was hilarious).

The lady with the coupons was still trying to correct the cashier, so we got several more minutes of entertainment while mom read the magazine, stopping occasionally to order her son to get back in the cart and behave (which he ignored).  Suddenly, the mom whipped around and looked me directly in the eye.  She said, “I really want to read this magazine.  But I don’t want to pay for it.  I would like to ALLOW you to go in front of me so I’ll have more time to read.”  I was so stunned that all I could do was grin and mumble a quick thank you.  The sweet irony of it all.  The mom made a big production of moving her racecar backwards and motioning for me to move in front of her. 

I used my feet to clear a pathway from all the gift cards and candy on the floor so I could push my cart back to my rightful spot in line.  (I still managed to run over a York Peppermint Patty.)  The cashier finally got the coupon lady’s total correct, so it was my turn to check out.  Miraculously, my items scanned correctly and my coupons all worked.  When it was time to pay, I saw the little boy playing with the credit card machine.  His mom had given him her credit card and he was swiping it, pretending to pay.  Mom was still reading the magazine, so I got her attention and said, “It’s okay with me if he pays for my groceries, but you might not like it as much!”  She looked up and told him to stop and come back over to where she was.  He ignored her and kept on pressing buttons on the machine.  Finally, I looked at the boy and said, “Excuse me!  I need to pay now.”  I gently pushed him aside as he continued to reach up and press the buttons.  I again told him, “No!  It’s my turn now.” as his mom obliviously read her magazine.  I used my body to block his access and swiped my card. 

As I was leaving, I felt overwhelming pity for that mom.  Can you imagine the stress level she is going to feel as her son grows older?  And becomes a teenager?  And goes to high school?  It will be a never-ending battle.  I felt a little guilty as I climbed into our car.  I really want to help moms who are struggling because I’ve been where they are and I am so thankful for people who have pointed me to examine the Scriptures and read good biblical parenting books.  But there’s a fine line between trying to help and being perceived as self-righteous.  I’m still trying to figure out how I could reach out to a struggling mom after witnessing something like that, if I respond at all.  Any advice or opinions would be welcomed!

Embarrassing Moment #25,479

I could probably start a whole blog site dedicated to my life’s embarrassing moments, but it would have to be anonymous so you’d never know it was me!

However, I thought I would share something really embarrassing and slightly funny that happened after church today.  After I picked up Grace from the children’s building, we were sitting in the lobby and waiting for Todd to pull up the car.  There was a middle-aged woman standing close-by.  She was wearing a tight, flower-printed dress and had unruly, reddish hair piled in curls on her head.  Her make-up was very heavy and she had on lots of jewelry.  I swear she looked just like this:

 

You can see where this is going, especially given Grace’s recent fascination with the movie and soundtrack from Annie.  I noticed that Grace was staring at her, so I tried a distraction technique and asked about her Sunday School lesson.  Unfortunately, the woman noticed us and tried to get Grace’s attention by asking her name and age.  Then she pretended to reach down and “get” her.  Grace responded by squealing with delight and yelling, “Mama!  Help!  Miss Hannigan is trying to GET ME!” 

I honestly don’t remember what I said to the woman.  I know there was a lot of nervous laughter on both sides and I mumbled some sort of apology.  I could tell her feelings were hurt, and Grace didn’t make it any easier when she added, “Mama, Miss Hannigan was mean to Annie, but she was nice to me!”  

Once the woman left, we had a conversation about how movies are a way of pretending for fun and Miss Hannigan is a character, not a real person.  And she should NEVER tell someone they look like Miss Hannigan.  *sigh*

Preschooler Quote of the Day

“Daddy, can you help me get the cereal out of my nose?”

To the naked eye, the cereal was not visible.  Todd closed the other nostril with his finger and told her to blow as hard as she could.  A Cheerio went flying across the room!

You’ll always be in my heart…..

 

Unfortunately, Chick-Fil-A is a distant memory for me at this point in my diet eating plan, but here’s a glimpse into my heart and the true love that I have for waffle fries and sweet tea.

 

Open Letter to the Creature in my Dryer

Dear Creature in my Dryer,

Why, oh why did you have to bless us with your presence today of all days?  We were already running late after losing an hour of sleep because of daylight savings.  And, we had volunteered to work in the nursery during the early service at 8:15! 

And did you find it really necessary to scare our daughter half to death?  She thought there was an animal in her closet and was screaming for us to help her!  We finally figured out the noise was coming from the laundry room and realized that you had somehow found your way through our exhaust vent and into the dryer. 

You are probably wondering why I didn’t open the dryer door and let you out.  Frankly, I was scared.  I had visions of that squirrel from Christmas Vacation jumping on me when I opened the door.  And, I didn’t even know what kind of creature you were!  Did I really want to spend the morning in the ER getting a rabies shot?

Actually, you’re pretty lucky that I didn’t turn on the dryer.  After much contemplation, I decided to just leave you alone and hope that you would find your way back outside.  It sure was pathetic to hear you scrambling around inside, though. 

Much to our relief, you had found your way out by the time we got home from church.  The clothes that were in the dryer need to be re-washed, however.  And now I can’t get the image out of my head of a creature rummaging around in my clean pajamas.  Ewww. 

I guess this situation has forced us to put a grate over our vent hole.  I’m sorry, but you are just not welcomed in our house.  Or in my dryer. 

Sincerely,

Mrs. J

View From The Top

I’ve mentioned before that I enjoy singing in my church choir.  In our church, the choir sits in a loft above and behind the pastor.  From our perch, we can see the whole congregation – both below on the floor and above in the balcony.  While I sometimes find myself playing “Where’s Waldo?” with various friends in the congregation, I can usually keep my attention focused on the pastor.

Today was a different story. 

Up in the balcony was a man that we couldn’t help but notice.  During the time of worship with songs, he was throwing his arms about and making extreme movements with his body.  It was quite mesmerizing to watch, and I found myself losing my place in the music a few times as I kept my eye up to see what he would do next. 

Once the music was over and the preaching began, he got up and walked out.  A deacon casually stood up and followed him outside.  In a few minutes, the deacon came back in and my mind went back to the sermon (which was actually quite good today).  Then, right as our pastor was wrapping up his sermon, the man strolled back into the sanctuary and took his same seat in the balcony.  This time, however, he was carrying a jacket and hiding something inside.

I started to get a little nervous, wondering what he was hiding.  He slithered one arm out of his jacket while holding firmly to an object hidden on the other side.  Then he switched hands and slid out of the other arm.  Then he took the jacket and wrapped it around his object.  The ladies seated around me in the choir loft started whispering and expressing concern. 

Finally, my friend who was sitting behind me decided to slip out and find her husband, who is one of the associate pastors.  Soon, the man picked the object up, still wrapped in his jacket…and…took a drink.  That’s right.  He took a drink.  It was obviously liquor of some sort.  I let out a sigh of relief, thankful that it wasn’t a gun, my mind thinking of all the terrible things that could have happened.  About that time, our security officer made an appearance at the balcony exit and another staff member stood guard at the opposite end. 

After the final prayer, the man exited by the security officer, and I’m not privy to what happened next.  I did hear rumors, however, that he was drinking Jack Daniel’s out of a Sprite bottle.  Apparently, instead of being moved by the Spirit, he was moved by “spirits.” (i.e. whiskey)

Who ever said church was boring?

Strange Encounter

I was at Wal-Mart (shocker, I know!) a few days ago and had a strange encounter with a woman in the clothing department.  An attractive, middle-aged lady walked up to me and in a British accent asked if I could do her a favor.  I inquired as to what she needed and she wanted me to look inside the back of her pants, pull out her underwear, and tell her the size that was printed on the back tag.

I was in such a state of shock that I found myself doing what she asked, as if in a trance.  When I mumbled, "Size 7", she was so appreciative and exclaimed, "Thank you so much!  It is important to get the correct fit, you know!"  

Perhaps this is acceptable behavior in England....I don't know because I've never been there.  And true, it is important to get the correct fit on your underwear.  But, is it worth asking a total stranger to dig around in your pants to find your size?  I think not.

Just in Case You Need A Laugh.....

Check out the following link. I promise it is good for a laugh!

We got elfed!